Giving up

Not a week goes by that I have thought of giving up.

Giving up on: my job, recovery, life, friendships, projects, and whatever else I can possibly give up on.

I'm a quitter by nature.
I self-sabotage naturally.
I go into "flight mode".

This desire to run far away
From anything that is too hard
Or too full of conflict eggs me on.

"Quit. It's too hard. This isn't worth it. This sucks. I'm too tired of fighting. Seriously! Ugh. This is rediculous, etc."

I've wasted so much time complaining about how hard something is to do, and I spend way too much time beating myself up because I gave up, and THEN I waste more time trying to redeem the time, while trying to go back and restart what I gave up.

Whew! Flippin' exhausting!!!

So, today, I'm breaking free from giving up! I'm breaking free from expecting myself to give up. And I'm breaking free from convincing myself that I am not a fighter.

Truth is: I CAN do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me.

Truth is: I AM more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus.

Truth is: I press onward, pushing everything that hinders me, out of my way.

Truth is: I'm not the same as I used to be.

What truth do you need to remind yourself of today?

The power of spoken words

"I break everything I touch!!!" My son's words bellowed through the car as he tried to roll the window up. It refused to budge any further when he pushed the button. I tried and also got no results.

I lost it! His words made me angry. Something inside me snapped! I heard this statement from him several times this week.

"Who in the hell told you that!!!" I yelled in frustration, but more so because I was pissed that he really believed that!

"_________" he whispered as his eyes filled with "allergy tears", not "crying tears".

"Well, that person lied. That is NOT  the truth!"

"But I do break everything I touch!", my son again exclaimed.

I told him to get out of my car, because if he broke everything he touched, then he couldn't ride in my car (a little dramatic, I know, but I just spent $300 getting it repaired.)

He looked shocked at my statement, and rightfully so.

I took a breath and told him to rebuke it in Jesus name (renouncing it, not agreeing with it, changing his mind about that statement) or get out of my car.

"I rebuke it in Jesus name," he declared.

I pushed the button, to roll the window up, and the window rolled up perfectly.

Now, most would say it was a coincidence or whatever. That's fine. But I KNEW this was a teaching opportunity for both my son and I. I knew God just winked and was about to give us both a revelation.

Immediately after my son rebuked the lie that was spoken over him, the window worked and rolled up without any hesitation.

God has given him healing hands, creative hands, and comforting hands. Ironically, he believed the absolute opposite. My son and I talked for quite some time. I also prayed over him and spoke blessings over him.

The negative things we believe about ourselves, more than likely, contradicts the gift God has given each one of us.

What lie do you need to break away from today? I have quite a few that are about to receive healing ;)

Breaking free of memories

This past summer, I met a guy.
We texted every single day.
Once a week, we sat under the stars, in the back of a beaten down, old Chevy truck.
We talked.
We laughed.
We dreamt.
We crossed things off of our bucket list, one-by-one.
Well, I did.
(I never knew I wanted to make out in a hay shed, on bales of hay, until I actually did it.)

It didn't last.

I wanted something more.
He didn't.
It was confusing.
It got awkward.
I grew emotional.
He grew distant.

When I see the sky lit up at night,
The moon shining brightly, &
The stars dancing in their glory,
I remember.

I remember him.
I remember his touch.
I remember his words.
I remember his smile.
I remember that truck.

I can't help but smile.
It was one of those summers!

But in my memories of this summer, I find dysfunction.

Because even though it sounds beautiful and romantic and breathtaking, the truth remains that it was just sex.

Just.sex.

I experienced intimacy in our conversations, more than I had with anyone else before.

Intimacy often makes a woman fall...

...and fall hard!

I fell.
And I fell hard.

But I fell in love with the intimate moments and conversations, not necessarily the guy.

I fell in love with the fantasy I had made up in my head. The love story I wanted to experience. The one a girl fabricates so she can keep doing what isn't always good for her.

So, tonight, I smile as I look up into the big ole' sky, lit up by its twinkling stars, and I give, to God, those memories of my summer nights, in that old Chevy truck.

Tonight I BREAK FREE from those memories that confuse intimacy and sex. The ones that tell me I need to be sexual in order to be intimate.

Tonight I'm BREAKING FREE of the memories that tell me I'm only good for sex, not a relationship.

I smile at the star's tonight because I deserve those intimate moments, within a relationship.

Day 1

Today is day 1.

Day 1 of what?

Well, anything I want it to be day 1 of. I read a quote that said this:

"Make goals for yourself.
Stay quiet about them.
Smash the shit out of them.
Clap for your Damn self."

I like that.
I like that a lot.

Today could be day 1 of not worrying about God's plan for my oldest son's life.

Today could be day 1 of not sleeping my life away.

Today could be day 1 of not trying to figure everything out.

Today could be day 1 of getting healthy.

Today could be day 1 of not letting other people's opinions get to me.

Today could be day 1 of not seeking everyone's approval.

Today could be day 1 of not drinking.

Today could be day 1 of not leaning on the comfort of being in a man's arms (or bed).

Today is day 1 of whatever I want it to be.

Today is another "day 1" where I get to choose to BREAK FREE of all that holds me back.

What would happen?

What would happen if we decided to let go of all that entangled us?

What if we let go without a second thought?

What about all of our unhealthy coping mechanisms?

What about the poison we put into our bodies or our minds?

What do you think would, or COULD, happen if we truly just let it all go?

I hope I, one day, can find out.